The Ultimate Conflict Buster to End All Arguments With Your Spouse
When we argue with our spouse it usually becomes a debate where both parties present their opposing sides until someone gets defensive, or goes on the offensive, then the talk becomes louder as if the other will understand better if the decibel is higher and eventually someone or both partners walk away….
One way to diffuse an argument is not to start one in the first place…but how will you talk about the thing that bothers you so much??
Empathy.
Switching your focus to your spouse’s perspective, acknowledging their feelings and experiences will decrease your stress level as well as theirs. Going as far as arguing for their side will get your spouse to most likely be open to what you have to say…e.g. “Sounds like I’ve been insensitive and I’ve hurt your feelings… and you are really upset with me. You prefer that I speak to you more kindly and respectfully…” Or “It sounds like when I repeat my requests for you to do something it frustrates you and you’d like me to find other ways to ask…”
Because of our need to be heard, empathy is counterintuitive for us. Our automatic response is to get our point across first, but as you know, this hasn’t worked well! Notice that you haven’t agreed with your spouse on anything – you are only acknowledging what they are thinking and feeling.
Templates
When we argue with our spouse it usually becomes a debate where both parties present their opposing sides until someone gets defensive, or goes on the offensive, then the talk becomes louder as if the other will understand better if the decibel is higher and eventually someone or both partners walk away….
One way to diffuse an argument is not to start one in the first place…but how will you talk about the thing that bothers you so much??
Empathy.
Switching your focus to your spouse’s perspective, acknowledging their feelings and experiences will decrease your stress level as well as theirs. Going as far as arguing for their side will get your spouse to most likely be open to what you have to say…e.g. “Sounds like I’ve been insensitive and I’ve hurt your feelings… and you are really upset with me. You prefer that I speak to you more kindly and respectfully…” Or “It sounds like when I repeat my requests for you to do something it frustrates you and you’d like me to find other ways to ask…”
Because of our need to be heard, empathy is counterintuitive for us. Our automatic response is to get our point across first, but as you know, this hasn’t worked well! Notice that you haven’t agreed with your spouse on anything – you are only acknowledging what they are thinking and feeling.
Templates
How To Respond To An Argument:
First take a deep breath or two…and be aware if you are being triggered by this. Don’t let the attacks in. Know that your spouse is trying to meet a need in a poor manner. Instead, let them know you will not be responding to the criticism or attack and that you will try to understand what it is they want. You can respond by saying, “I don’t appreciate your criticism, name calling, berating, etc., and I’m trying to understand what is important to you.” Then proceed with the template below…
“Let me see if I’m understanding you. When you observe (Observation of Unwanted Behavior or words/situations using factual information), you feel (insert what you think they are feeling or what they are describing they are feeling), because you value (insert universal need/s), would you like (insert what specific, positive behavior or words, you think they are wanting instead of what they’re currently experiencing)?”*
What if it’s you who has a complaint? Then here is a template for that!
First take a deep breath or two…and be aware of how you are feeling. Think of what you want instead of what’s happening for you. Ask yourself, “Why is this so important to me?” Then think of what you are requesting from your partner.
“When I observe (Observation of Unwanted behavior, words, or event/situation), I feel (insert what you feel) because I need/value (insert need/s). I am requesting, or would you be willing to ((insert what specific positive behavior or words you would like instead)?”*
Words Are Powerful!
The words you use are crucial! To fill in the feelings and needs on the templates click on the links provided.
Choosing from the needs and feelings inventory will help you to avoid words that can be taken as judgements, criticisms or character evaluations as you complete your template.
Words Are Powerful!
The words you use are crucial! To fill in the feelings and needs on the templates click on the links provided.
Choosing from the needs and feelings inventory will help you to avoid words that can be taken as judgements, criticisms or character evaluations as you complete your template.
Observation Rules
When you describe an observation, stick to the facts. Observations are things you see, hear, remember and imagine, that are free from personal evaluations, criticisms, judgments, and psychoanalysis.
For example: “When you are late, I feel furious!” The word “late” is an evaluation. Here is a true observation: “When you arrived at 8pm and we agreed to meet for dinner at 6pm, I felt furious! “
Requests
Requests are clear and concrete actions that can be carried out starting from the present moment. It would help to make the request something you want instead of a stop to what you don’t want…e.g. What you DON’T want, “I’m requesting that you stop being late.” What you DO want, “I’m requesting that you arrive at the time we agreed upon.”
Remember these templates are only for guidance to keep you and your spouse communicating in the language of love. When you master the dynamics of the template, it will become less robotic and awkward. The process becomes more natural coming from your heart!
Have questions?
I would love to support you in applying this principle in your relationship
Remember these templates are only for guidance to keep you and your spouse communicating in the language of love. When you master the dynamics of the template, it will become less robotic and awkward. The process becomes more natural coming from your heart!
Have questions?
I would love to support you in applying this principle in your relationship
*These templates, along with the Feelings and Needs Inventory are courtesy of The Center For Nonviolent Communication (CNVC).
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) is an international nonprofit peacemaking organization devoted to supporting the spread of Nonviolent Communication around the world. To find local, national and international training opportunities, trainer certification info, and a variety of other NVC educational materials, please click on the banner below.
